kitty pi

My thoughts have been scattered lately. I am all betwixt and between about spilling my guts and not, sorting out feelings and not, writing it here and not.

Rambling on and on about pms, too many bills, crazy traffic, annoying co-workers and such is getting to be a bore, I'm afraid.

The problem is that I am very good at compartmentalizing. This is useful. It can also be crippling. I don't deal with things. They sneak up on me.

I was watching the tele on Saturday or Sunday with Mr. Q and a video came on for Green Day's "Wake me up when September ends". It looked like a typical teenage love story kind of video - two high school kids hanging out, kissing, sharing fun times and then... the boy is screaming at his girlfriend "I'm doing this for US! I thought you would be PROUD of me! I thought YOU of all people would understand!" and the girl is crying hysterically. In our typical, slightly cynical fashion, we look at each other on the couch and go "heh. I wonder what he DID?" Surely something dumb.

The next scene is the boy getting on a bus, entering boot camp, getting his head shaved, etc. then going off to war. As soon as we saw the clippers touch the boy's head, Mr. Q gasped and I burst into tears. The waterworks that followed were like none seen in ... well, a really long time. I was crying hysterically and couldn't stop until well after the video ended.

I was shocked by how hard that caught me off guard. I haven't cried about my son joining the Army since he left. I have tried to be brave and only think good thoughts about how it will be a positive and valuable experience. I have tried to have faith that he won't be sent anywhere that he can't handle. I have supported from afar the Cindy Sheehan's of the world without really doing much. I have regretted how hard I lobbied for Josh to get out of his commitment and just be a free-wheeling civilian because he is so young and I don't want him to fight in a war that is WRONG on every level.

But the truth is, I am terrified.

I am sad that what is left of my son's innocence will be or could be shattered very soon like so many lives and limbs that have been shattered and destroyed by an IED or stray gunfire. Or that an IED or stray gunfire will take my baby boy from me in a brutal and violent and totally unnecessary way. I am terrified that he will be sent into a situation that he can't handle because he is so young. So many boys have fought and died and, so much of me feels like they were too young to know what it was they were really doing. I am so scared that he will be lost and lonely and broken and I won't be there to soothe him or comfort him. I am angry that his Army experience could very well involve the killing and dying of people he's never met and never would know if not for this violent occupation in a country that wasn't even a threat to me, my family, my way of life, or my country - no matter what kind of bullshit they tell us or what kind of bullshit some people still believe.

The only thing I know to do is to send my most positive vibes and best wishes to all of our kids out there and send my son the things he needs, including a card or a letter telling him that I AM proud of him and what he is doing, and that is all. I wish I could do more. It breaks my heart that there is so little I can actually do.

He will be graduating from boot camp September 22nd. If anyone would like to send him a postcard or letter, email me and I can give you his address. He loves to get mail. After graduation, I can update you with his new address.

Also, I just now decided that I want to be here on September 24th:

If you live in LA or Orange County or anywhere near, email me about that too and let me know if you plan to go. I'd love to get a group together.